We can all suck at life sometimes… sometimes a little, sometimes it’s a mountain of sucking. Whether it’s dealt by chance or by our own wrongdoing that leads down paths of shattered dreams and disillusions, we are all in control of our actions. I’ve made some bad choices. And not only did I make bad choices, I chose to make them over and over and over again until my destruction exploded into the lives of those I care about most. Growing up I had dreams of being a stock car driver and I feel like I would have been so bad-ass. I wanted to be a figure skater, but I’m not super graceful so that dream died quickly. I also wanted to be a writer. My first shot at it was trying to write a romance novel of sorts. I quickly realized that I was never going to be a romance novelist. Rather than write a steamy romance, I lived it–sex, cheating, lies, deceit . . . you name it. It was around three years ago when I felt the calling to tell my story. Repeatedly, I tried to ignore the voice telling me this–maybe because I was worried about what people will think. Possibly out of laziness, for writing a book requires a lot of work and time. Probably a bit of both. I didn’t feel like I was up to the task, but it was there. Slowly a desire to write it began to build. But I still procrastinated and found other things to distract my time. Every chapter of my story was difficult to write. I kept thinking, If I can just get through the death chapters, it will get easier. But the chapters of the pain I was responsible for were even harder to write. As I wrote, I relived every memory like it was yesterday. Some would call it luck, some might call it fate. However, I have never at any time felt particularly lucky for being alive when I think back on all the times I have “cheated” death or consider my losses of my sister, two half-brothers, and a stepbrother. I do not feel lucky to be the only surviving blood sibling in my family. I have torn apart the lives of those who are most dear to me. There is nothing lucky about my story, and neither is it special or unique. In fact, it’s messy, it’s ugly and it’s full of darkness. It was in the darkest chapters of my life that God showed me just how weak I am, and when I was willing to give my life and my mess to him, he gave me the strength to persevere. I felt God’s discipline, but I was gifted with overwhelming peace and I didn’t feel like I deserved it. That’s what’s so amazing about God’s grace and mercy. He will create beauty in the chapters of your story if you let him, but you have to be willing. Whatever has happened to you and no matter the painful path you have been traveling on, it’s not the end of your story. God uses our darkest moments and biggest messes to help others see light. Join me on my journey from the good, the bad, and the really ugly to the amazing grace of Jesus, who covered the fire of my sins and freed me from the messiest of messes. And He’s offering you the same gift.